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I always felt that the light at the end of the tunnel was a train coming right at me. Reflecting on a sizable portion of my life, I believed this to be true and I expected nothing less. Then…It had been only a week and a half since I gave the Get. I decided it would be interesting to go to a singles retreat after more than a decade hiatus. I could kick back and watch all the lonely people attempt to find their soul mate. I could observe the dynamics of the chase from a new vantage point. I had no allusions as to why I was there. Many years of divorce court had made me rather jaded regarding EVER considering remarrying. I just wanted to socialize with good female company. I believe that is a good way to approach any singles event because it takes all the pressure off and it leaves no chance for disappointment. No matter what happened that weekend, I was going to have fun.
I never imagined that I would discover that there really is a God. I had seen the light and it was good! This was a train I’d like to board (sorry, I couldn’t resist). There she was, a woman like this I never met in my life. I do not exaggerate when I say that when she sat at the Shabbat table, she was immediately surrounded by hordes of men. She has such charisma and style. She is intelligent, beautiful, witty, confident, self-secure, fun, & playful.
An unexpected variable in the equation was that my best friend also liked her and she liked both of us. Neither of us backed down and she alternated her attention between the two of us. Often we hung out, all three together. An interesting thing we noticed was that the divorced crowd was so laid back and having a great time. Perhaps it comes from the knowledge of what marriage is like, what to expect, where our short-comings are, and what we really want from life & a spouse. The other singles probably aren’t even aware that they view marriage as a goal (as I had & as did others I knew in the past). Marriage should be a journey of sharing & growth (personal & with your partner).
Luckily for me, my bud had another ‘project’ he was working on in his life so he chose not to ask her out. As for him, I think it was the right decision since they are light-years apart on religious issues.
To my delight, she was outgoing and athletic. She enjoyed the outdoors, a challenging hike and even working out. I new it would be tough keeping up with her when she volunteered to be the first to do the most difficult part of the ropes course. All the religious girls that I ever went out with were not interested in these things. I’m not generalizing; this has just been my experience. I never considered these things essential in a relationship and thought that these needs of mine would be met through the guy trips. How refreshing to be able to really share the experiences of life that enliven and invigorate me. I gained a new perspective on how two people could grow together.
On the weekend, a lecture was given as to the essentials of a lasting relationship. Mutual interests, common goals, similar religious level and the commitment to work hard. In the past, I always thought a husband can have his interests and the wife hers, and as long as they love each other that would be enough. I was wrong. My ex and I did love each other very much but after the whirlwind romance had finally settled down and real life began, I realized that she just had no interest in the things that made me happy. A clue I ignored was that she didn’t understand Calvin and Hobbes and really didn’t care for the movie Aladdin. (Ok, I said to myself, how critical are these mundane things. Yet in the end it reflects on our compatibility). But I felt love conquers all but all it conquered was me.
So here I found a stunning young lady, who has the same religious mindset, similar interests, & who puts her all into everything she does. She certainly is a class act. I can’t guess if she is the ONE but one thing is important. I was given hope. Hope that there is life after divorce. There is the possibility of finding someone who could truly complete me.
[Shout out to another dear friend of mine who is now saying ‘Told you so.’]
-Smoo