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By your overwhelming response and commentary, I take it that you don’t care for the archaeology I’ve been shoveling.So let’s return to the reel world, that of movies. I just watched Breakup with Jennifer Aniston. Actually it was with a buddy but anyway it hit close to home. Aniston laments over how her relationship could have sunk to such a dysfunctional level. There was anger, shouting, malicious activity and intent from two people who had a short time earlier loved each other deeply.
There were poignant insights that seem so simple yet people who are in a relationship easily overlook them. Aniston was nagging and complaining that he didn’t do the dishes. When he finally gets up to help, he doesn’t display the proper intent. He should have WANTED to do the dishes, she says. To which he replies, “What man wants to do the dishes????” Aniston failed to convey what was really bothering her, she acted like she believed men to be mind readers and expect them to fathom the depth behind every comment.
Her point was that if he really was in love with her and committed to making the partnership work, that should be incentive enough to want to help her (and she shouldn’t have to ask every step of the way). She was trying to express that his apathy was symptomatic of selfish behavior. But instead of phrasing her concerns in a manner that he could understand, she jumped from issue to issue (dishes, incorrect shopping order, not setting table etc.). To him, it sounded like nagging; like complaining that he was a failure; like nothing lived up to her standards. And so the defense mechanisms geared up and presto: World War III. To be fair, the guy in the movie was an ass and acted like an imbecile so I don’t fault Aniston for the breakup. It is the dynamics of a breakup in general that were interesting to me.
In the movie, of course the guy recognizes he was a jerk and insensitive (which is a whole other topic see Guys Are Buffoons here) but it was too late because Aniston said she experienced a ‘SHIFT’ in they way she views him. It was too late, for both of them.
It’s difficult to access those feelings now, but I know my ex and I were truly in love. People thought we were the cutest couple yet somehow the stress of life, fertility, children, and finances took their toll on our marriage. Communication broke down; she didn’t get what she expected from me nor did I from her. A point was crossed from which there could never been any return. And that point marks the SHIFT. Before the shift, I was optimistic that we could get past the negative and reach a point where we could rebuild. But once the shift occurred, the person who I once envisioned an eternity with, was now seen through a different set of eyes. The love has died. No, it was killed.
I’m past the anger and I do wish her the best but I could never imagine ever living with her, let alone loving her, again. The shift is finally complete.
Now back to me, my ex thinks (knows?) I’m an ass. I’ll let her tell that part another time. From my vantage point, our dynamics were similar. I felt that nothing I did was good enough and that she expected to be a mind reader and read her every word like Rashi read the Bible. An innocent question became a springboard for seven different interlocking and branching arguments. Sometimes I just wanted to scream “Just spell it out in English and then problems will get resolved.” But she lived in the past, she never forgave and she never forgot. That I think is her greatest curse; the inability to transition and move forward. She expected all her needs to be met yet she refused to meet my needs. That was selfish. I often gave up my concerns to insure she was happy but even that didn’t work. I lost myself in the venture; negating all that makes me who I am, just to keep her happy. Some people will never know happiness and I fear she is one of them.
Fast-forward to an ongoing relationship I have. I find that I am repeating the errors of my marriage by walking on eggshells lest I say something the wrong way or at the wrong time. I love to be playful and joke around but I feel stifled when I’m told I can only make jokes at certain times. I can’t interrupt her when she is serious because it means I’m not listening. I feel like I’m doing everything in my power to fit her mold and still I’m under appreciated and made to feel incompetent, inadequate and often criticized. Doesn’t sound like a recipe for success. I feel that I go well out of my way (happily so) to ensure the happiness of my partner and meet her needs because I love her and that’s what a loving partner should want to do for the other. But she doesn’t act the same way. I don’t think I’m at all selfish about my needs but I think she is about hers. So even if she loves me, she will drain me and eventually end up resenting me or I her. I feel like I’m losing myself again. Ain’t life grand?
When I reviewed what I just wrote, I noticed that I’m doing the same thing that I’m accusing the women in my life of doing- expecting my partner to read my mind and realize just how I feel and recognize what needs improvement. I have not expressed these thoughts to her because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings or lose her but in the end the negative feelings don’t just go away, they just lingers to haunt our relationship. I guess it’s important to feel comfortable enough to safely express one’s concerns, needs, and issues.