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Rabbi Frand is a great and insightful speaker and I really enjoyed his words. It's not easy to find a rabbi who seems to speak to you, your heart, and your neshama but he has, over the years, managed to do so. Here is some of his Torah:(winning=neetzachom) Why do we want to win an argument? It gives us a piece of eternity (netzach). When we lose an argument it's like a mini death. We have a strong impulse to have children to attain some aspect of eternity through them. When someone dies it's a shock to us even after long illness. "I can't believe he is dead." No one likes to lose.
There was a butcher in Brisk (specialty: brisket) who went before the Dayan (judge) with a question whether the animal he slaughtered was traif (not Kosher) and it was deemed so. He lost a lot of money but accepted the ruling and left without saying a word. A few months later he was before the same judge in a small claims matter with another man. When the butcher again lost, he flipped out, cursed the judge. The Judge asked the Rav what's the difference in the butcher's reactions where in one case he had no reaction for great monetary loss while in another case he had extreme vehemence over a few rubles? The Rav's response was, "In the second case, the butcher lost to another man but in the first case the cow didn't win." When there are opposing sides, each one digs in, defending his position and honor to the end.
Rabbi Frand related a story of a couple in Bnei Brak who couldn't have children for 20+ years and tried everything from brachas, segulas, doctors etc. A Rabbi told them to get a bracha from someone who kept their mouth shut during an argument and didn't respond. They walked out sullen because 'Does anyone know someone who kept their mouth shut during a challenge?' Concurrently, another lady was about to rent an apartment when another crazy lady screamed at her not to sign the lease because there is a judgment against the landlord and she intends on making trouble. The first lady asked her rabbi how to approach this matter. He said he was the judge who ruled against crazy lady, she is wrong, go ahead and rent the apartment. Sometime later the renter lady was at a bar mitzvah, Crazy came over and started yelling and cursing her. Some third lady comes over and begs her not to respond to Crazy which she didn't. Then the third lady who is obviously the lady from Bnei Brak then asked for a blessing and after 24 barren years had a child! [I kinda thought there were more romantic ways to accomplish this, but hey that's just me].
Rabbi Frand believes the following is the source of how keeping quiet in a fight is a segulah for children. Rachel asked Leah for the flowers and Leah got mad and said first you steal my husband('s heart) and now you want my son's flowers??? Rachel doesn't respond. The rabbi gathered from this story that Rachel's silence in the face of a challenge where Rachel would have full right to say: "Excuse me, [insert a little attitude and side to side head movement] On my wedding night I gave you the signs so that you could take MY intended husband and thus save you from embarrassment of being the older unwed sister." But she didn't and so 8 pesukim (sentences) later it says Rachel gave birth [I would have said 'one pasuk prematurely']
The generation of the Tower of Babel wasn't wiped out when they rebelled against God because they had peace and unity. But the generation of Noah who were robbers were wiped out because conflict is the most destructive force. An entire world can be uprooted and destroyed through strife.
It's amazing how the most frum Jew wouldn't think of violating the prohibition against using a razor on his face. Nor would he think not to keep a second day of yom tov in galut (this is a rabbinical prohibition but we have accepted these laws to be immutable almost on the level of min haTorah). Even though arguing is considered a 'Lav' (a commandment), no one seems to follow it because everyone believes they are right and that make their point l'sheim shamayim (an argument for heaven's sake is permitted).
How do we keep quiet? Like a pilot who is cool and controlled during a major in-flight emergency because he has prepared and trained for all contingencies, so too we must prepare ourselves for calm and presence of mind in a verbal argument. Instead of preparing for all the things you would do if you won the lottery, which is a useless waste of time, instead prepare yourself to react properly when faced with an argument.
******The key point is to keep your peace during an argument, don't answer back. NO ONE EVER LOST BY BEING M'VATAIR (abdicating their position; giving in, even if they were 100% correct)
What struck me was that the speech was geared for an ideal world but the reality is that put two human's together and there is conflict although I would never have guessed this by witnessing the state of affairs between married couples I know! Maybe we need a book like, "How to Fight Within The Bounds Of Halacha & Decency."
After his speech I went over to him and mentioned the following: There is a well-known Mishnah that defines an argument for ‘heaven’s sake’ as that of Beit Shamai vs. Beit Hillel while that of Korach and Moshe was not a legitimate conflict. The terminology of the Mishnah is interesting because it seems unbalanced. It mentions Shamai vs. Hillel as proper but said only "Korach and his followers" without mentioning the opponent, Moshe, was improper.
It occurred to me that the reason the Mishnah only lists one side in the argument that was not legitimate is that in those types of conflicts, often one side does not in any way validate the existence of an alternate point of view or give proper attention to the opponents concerns. In effect, they are right, they know how everything should be and therefore proceed as if no one else exists and nothing else must be deftly managed or diplomatically addressed. So maybe we should all take a good look at ourselves and see just what are we fighting for and just how are we fighting.
He responded, "Of course, that's what the mefarshim say."
He then autographed my book.