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Fantastic Saw You At Sinai back to camp weekend. More on that later.I was stuck by a heated debate regarding when to divulge information that can influence/hurt a shidduch. Some of my divorced friends at the table were quite emphatic about the importance of providing strategic information (not just spreading rumors). A marriage is one of the most major decisions in life and as with all weighty prospects all variables should be properly considered. It is then up to the parties involved to pursue the information, clarify and decide for themselves if the 'damning' information is indeed so or if it can be accepted. We all have faults, after all. What may be unacceptable to you may be manageable for me.
What struck me was that the majority of the others including the rabbi felt quite strongly that unless it is physical abuse (AS IF mental abuse doesn't matter), for the sake of the shidduch, one should refrain from revealing information. You can't imagine how dumbstruck I was by this reaction. How myopic!
I later reflected on their motivation. Of course, they felt that they didn't want to hurt anyone and they didn't want to be the one that interfered in a shidduch and thus take the blame for relegating a friend to more years of loneliness. Noble enough. HOWEVER, they fail to consider the flip side. Shouldn't a person know the truth and then make a conscientious decision? What if you could have saved them from many tortuous years living with the unbearable or spending years and countless fortunes in civil court or be bullied by religious court? Two people who can't accept all (ok, most) aspects of their spouse are going to have a hard, if not miserable marriage. What kind of environment will their children grow up in when there is so much tension or unresolved issues? I can tell you first hand that emotional distress from a difficult relationship is excruciatingly painful, perhaps as much as physical abuse.
Hellllooooo, you're getting married, you are supposed to be an adult, you should be able to make rational decisions! You are not a foolish child (perhaps you are) that your friend's have to protect you. GROW UP, ALL OF YOU!
The real underlying issue can be lack of perspective, especially on the part of the overprotective friend. They see marriage as THE GOAL and they could possibly interfere with you crossing the finish line. But marriage is not the goal, it is only the means whereby two people could actualize their potential, could find happiness and satisfaction. But there you go and feel you are doing them a favor when in reality you could have prevented the wrong people, two people who wouldn't be good for each other, from getting together. Marriage, for them, is a recipe for disaster. At least clue them in and let them take responsibility for their choices.
People can modify some behavior with a lot of work but personalities don't change much (barring good drugs). Book of Proverbs 22:6, says 'Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it.' But the point is to teach him according to his ways/personality because even in his old age his personality won't deviate. The education must reflect the needs of each individual personality so that it can be accepted and incorporated. This person with the character flaw ain't gonna change just because he met a nice spouse.
So, be smart, consider the facts, make a conscientious decision. Your decision has far reaching consequences. In the end, the ultimate decision should be yours.
So, let the buyher beware (and get out of the lending library).