ADS 336x280 Here...
The following is a lengthy comment decrying my negligence in handling the Tali situation. I think it deserves a stand-alone post rather than be relegated to the comments:Let me get this straight. You go out with the woman, she has kids. You get to know the kids, and you see problems early on.
You say you want to wait a year (or more) to get engaged, yet, knowing the problems with the kid integration, you propose anyway, and not even after a year.
Then, without warning, without trying to deal with her on your fears, without co-parenting help from therapists together, without any discussion, you break the engagement, break this woman's heart (probably her kids too) totally unilaterally?
And then you come onto your blog and complain about YOUR broken heart?
What about this isn't narcissistic?
How can you say you did everything you could, when you didn't talk to her, didn't try and protect the love of your life by going to specialists in this area?
Did you handle the situation in a way you would have appreciated it handled if the woman were holding that power?
How are you going to trust that you're ready to go back on frumster when you don't have a handle on what made you get engaged knowing the problems, made you break the engagement knowing it was unilateral, and so very damaging without going every inch you could to make sure it would work?
Would you like your daughter treated this way?
My response to Anon:
I'm not complaining about my broken heart. I'm sharing my current feelings. I know I broke it and I broke hers, that doesn't mean I can't express a feeling of loss even if it is my own doing.
I did indicate in one of the posts that I deluded myself into thinking that the problems were manageable and I really wanted to spend eternity with Tali. You are right I shouldn't have proposed, yet even if I hadn't, the let down when I realized how untenable the merger would be, would still have cause her great pain. No way to escape getting hurt in this situation.
Yes I should have talked to her about the misgiving but once I realized the grave error I made, there was already a engagement party scheduled. There is a crucial part of the merger problem that I feel is inappropriate to discuss in an open forum. That one crucial element is one that I tried to learn about, to deal with and in the end recognized that I would NEVER be at peace with it and the family dynamics would end up being totally dysfunctional. So what would a therapist do? What more is there that wasn't in the book? What more is there than my belatedly honest recognition that no matter what said or done, it won't work out? Any ideas????
So I asked her friends how they would end such a situation and their answers where entirely elusive. I asked how I could have handled it better and the best they could respond to my very serious question is how could I have handled it worse. I'll tell you how, we could have had the party the following week and been that much more embarrassed after the big show with gifts to be returned etc. I could have waited until after the civil ceremony planned for about 2-3 weeks in the future. She could have changed schools for her kid, sold her house and then have to start all over. That sounds worse to me.
You are right I should have discussed it with her but in the end I couldn't make it work no matter what she said. We could have cried together, gone to therapists, but there is no answer.
I mentioned earlier on that I would be OK if we lived in separate houses but that was unacceptable to her, I very early on mentioned that we should go out a LONG time to make sure the issue gets worked out but she very clearly said she has no intention of waiting around for years to see if a problem is resolved just to find out later that it doesn't. (Think of what an emotional let-down that would have been).
I joined Frumster again but I have no real interest now in doing anything about it. I don't think I can handle a serious relationship now nor do I believe I will ever meet anyone as good as Tali. But I may feel different about dating in a month or so. It's a three month deal.
As for the question of the woman having the power, that is ridiculous. The woman has just as much ability to break off a relationship unilaterally as does them man. It has happened to me, some even based solely on my infant children being too much to handle. And I'm sure it has happened to everyone on this planet at one time or another. Of course I don't want my daughter to lose her love but if it isn't going to work, what choice is there and yes relationships have great potential for pain. I'm sure she will shed her share of tears through the years, sad as that may be.
Tali's friends told me, immediately after the breakup, quite explicitly, to never have any form of contact with her again. I assumed that was her wish. It may actually speed the healing, though I wish to tell her I love her and I'm sorry. She is the most amazing woman I ever met. Everything was just so easy, nice, loving, caring and quite frankly perfect between us...if not for the merger problem. I don't believe I will ever meet anyone like her. I still dream of her nightly.
Damned if I do, damned if I don't.