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Breaking up. It's never easy. We've all experienced rejection in some form or another. Can't recall it ever being pleasant. During high school, I had a crush on a sweet girl. I told her how I felt in a love letter. She was kind enough to put me out to pasture as gently as she could but needless to say it hurt. I have had the pleasure of being rejected a few times but I have also assumed the role of the ejector. And sometimes I had to really break her heart. Sometimes, I have been able to do it as gently as possible but for one stalker I had to be outright nasty. The worst, of course, has been the Tali-go. Her dear friend Eve called it an 'amputation.' One minute everything was intact and whole. Life was complete and satisfying and then without warning I amputated her from my life, leaving her devastated and broken. I know she is strong and she will find true love with someone better for her, someone who will accept the whole package. I don't expect forgiveness but I did what I had to do, just like a surgeon who must remove a limb for the greater good. Doesn't mean it was fun to do or that it hurts any less or that there wasn't a permanent scar. I must describe this break up as a complete amputation, permanent, no looking back, total radio silence by both parties.Recently, I had the privilege of meeting another wonderful lady on Frumster. We were extremely comfortable with each other and felt connected immediately. Unfortunately, there was an area where I recognized a potential for a major problem and I nipped it in the bud. I discussed my concerns, my risk assessment that continuing to get deeper involved would just hurt that much more later. If you have been following the Tali fiasco and read the comments, Eve basically rebuked me and warned me never to let this happen again. So I listened and amputated early before it would be too devastating. She was heartbroken but sensible and understood the issues. Even though she claimed we could rise above it, my analysis was that it would only come back to haunt us. Yet since this was done early, Sari, wanted to remain friends. "We really get each other and have fun together," she said. I warned her that I have played that role that she was undertaking and that when one party secretly wants the other more, it is a recipe for disaster and real heartbreak. Sari said she understood the risks. We speak and IM daily, she tells me of her dates and I tell her of mine. Once in awhile she starts to revisit the issue and I tell her not to go there because I'm not looking back, that isn't what this friendship is about and she's just setting herself up for pain. We'll see just how foolish this experiment is. I hope my prediction is wrong.
I call this relationship with Sari a partial amputation with retention of feelings of a ghost limb. Feeling lingers, emerges from time to time, the separation isn't complete. Which is worse, partial or full amputation? I don't know. Maybe a lot has to do with how it was carried out, the nature of the relationship at the time of surgery, and the emotional state of the parties involved. Let's face it folks, it sucks to be rejected, it sucks to have to hurt someones feelings, and it sucks to have to live with all the painful emotions that linger (for both sides). But hey, love is a battlefield says Pat Benatar and the risks are scarring and loss but all in hope of ultimate glory. I truly believe that we shall all find the right person for us as long as we are honest with ourselves about what we are looking for, what we need, whether those needs are being met, could we make things work, and could we handle all the baggage that has been piling up. See it's that simple.
And yet I'm still haunted.
Another night and my subconscious came out to play. I really enjoy the way it veils its message in obscure and odd manifestation. But alas it didn't. I dreamt that I made a mistake and the woman I was with was just some secondary maidservant and when I saw Tali I was so excited that it was her and we were finally able to be together.
I wonder how much of this is interfering with my current dating. I met a few really amazing women and in my mind I played out the entire relationship within the first date or after only a few. Each time, I bolted because I was worried I would end up hurting them like I did with Tali. Maybe I'd better take a breather for a while and let my subconscious sort this out.