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Default settings. We all have them. Occasionally life allows us to deviate from them. We can ride the high of a new career or the low of a divorce but sooner or later we return to our natural selves. Hence DEFAULT setting. It's not our fault, you know.Here's a mirror. Go take a good honest look at yourself. Ignore the fact that I'm staring too. You know you look nice so let's get past that. What do you notice about yourself when you have the chance to see yourself as others perceive you? Can you identify who you really are?
There is just a little problem here; one that requires not a leading psychologist but rather a good author to identify. In Michael Crichton's book, Prey, in the midst of all the action, there is a 2 page digression that held a fascinating insight into self-reflection. "There's one problem with all psychological knowledge-nobody can apply it to themselves. People can be incredibly astute about the shortcomings of their friends, spouses, children. But they have no insight into themselves at all...Psychological knowledge doesn't work if you look in a mirror." He then compares this to a computer procedure called recursion which causes the computer program to loop back on itself. Sometimes the computer gets lost in a infinite regress and is stuck there like "those fun-house mirrors that reflect mirrors, and mirrors, even smaller and smaller, stretching away to infinity...something similar must happen when people turn their psychological insight-apparatus on themselves. The brain hangs. The thought process goes and goes, but it doesn't get anywhere. It must be something like that, because we know that people can think about themselves indefinitely. Some people think of little else. Yet people never seem to change as a result of their intense introspection. They never understand themselves better. It's very rare to find genuine self-knowledge."
So at the risk of many more years of bad luck (if you really believe being single is so bad), let's shatter those mirrors and consider the 'crisis' attitude, in general. A prevalent situation within the religious community is the singular mindset and focus on 'getting married.' It seems that some people exist just to get married. They are entirely incomplete without another person. They wake up unhappy because they're alone, they experience their sense of incompleteness regularly. Their default setting is unhappy. They have missed the point of life. Life is to be lived in the moment. There can be so much joy in the moment, even during the arduous journey that will eventually lead toward finding a partner. But to live in the gloom is indicative of an unhappy default setting. What happens when the goal of marriage is achieved? What will the next obsession be? How will this person live in that new here-and-now? Who are they? Do they know themselves? What is their essence, their core? Will they suddenly be bubbly, laugh a lot, project happiness? I fear not. They will eventually come down off the high of wedding bells and return to default unhappiness. Maybe the new unhappiness will focus on disappointment in their partner, maybe on the troubles of life, who know? But the default setting is where they will be.
People have to solve their own problems and discover who they are before they attempt merging with another life-form. Then they can bring a happy complement to the table when approaching a prospective mate. Someone who expects others to solve their problems will ultimately be disappointed and perhaps even unfairly blame the spouse for not helping them achieve that goal.
Again, the problem is the incorrect assumption that marriage is the GOAL. Marriage is only a means to develop and grow spiritually and physically with your soul-mate. It is but an indication of commitment to make this journey together. It is a natural outgrowth of a healthy bond that develops when two people find love in each other. But when marriage is THE GOAL, people lose sight of what marriage is all about and meant to be. Marriage should lead to a journey of sharing & growth. Instead of getting all depressed about not being married (which is a turn off by the way), be determined to keep seeking out your soul-mate. It's a process that can be frustrating but we have the capacity to choose our ATTITUDE towards life even if we can't change what life sends our way. During this journey we need to learn how to relate, how to listen, how to consider others needs without hurting our own. Couples should have Mutual interests, common goals, similar religious level, the commitment to work hard, and most importantly mutual respect. Without respect disaster looms. It's OK to disagree, argue your point of view but it's not OK to yell, act passive aggressively (and certainly not aggressively). You should never give up who you are while still being accepting of the other. You need to be a team, with each person giving the best part of themselves.
So get out there, have fun dating, pursue Your Wildest Dreams and fulfill your spirit. And, for God's sake, lighten up and be happy!
Drop the Moody Blues so that I'll only find happiness 'mirrored in your eyes.'
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