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No, I'm not going to launch into a tirade about the how Pesach food repeats upon itself, if you know what I mean. And I know you certainly do. Instead, I shall focus today on relationships that come back to haunt you or perhaps ones that just come back. Several people I know are repeating their relationships. One blogger friend is actually going to remarry the ex. God help, er, bless them. A close friend found that he longed for an old girlfriend, began to think of her often and reminisced over the good times they had, over the quality of her character, the sweetness. And so he became a repeater. Another pal was dumped, started going out with an extremely sweet and stable lady but when the original girl suggested they try again, he jumped ship and set sail for her home. Another repeater. The friend ended up with another breakup for similar reasons that held him back the first time. The other pal hasn't a clue what coming to him and some people need to learn the hard way.A girl with whom I had a brief relationship a while back, recently hinted that we should try again. I told her to take some time, go out with others and see if she still feel that way in a month. Whatever caused the first breakup may lurk in the shadows and I wanted to rule out loneliness and the tendency to romanticize the past thereby forgetting those problems. She agreed. Unfortunately she didn't stick to the plan and contrived ways to get together with me; once even under the guise of a communal meal. It took me a while to realize why I didn't jump at the opportunity to be with a beautiful, charismatic woman. I felt like she was manipulating the variables to get what she wanted from me. She orchestrated behind the scenes scenarios that I would follow through willingly and she would get what she intended. Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for giving the woman I care about everything within my power to make her happy but I want it to be coming from me. I want it to be by MY choice, not by manipulation and orchestration. I felt used and toyed with. This conjures a favorite scene from American Pie when Michelle used Jim for a one night stand and he woke up in the morning alone in bed. He was apalled at first, "I've been used...," he said. Then a wide smirk appears on his face and he says, "Cooool." But here it makes me fear such a relationship that would be governed by that level of pre-conceived (if I dare say conceived) planning. What would life be like? I'd become paranoid that behind every seemingly innocuous action or word, there would be some master plan in the works. Who could live like that? I don't want to be someone's boy-toy (well, maybe...). So while I was experiencing the turmoil of how to handle this situation, she interpreted my inner confusion as indifference and decided to cut me out. It is ultimately for the best, based on the above assessment but also logistically, too many children, not enough car space. In the end, what's best for the kids should trump all. And so I have escaped repetition.
This leads me to my latest emotional crisis. I have recently seen Tali, you remember, my ex-fiance, at prayer services. I have known for quite a while she is dating a really nice guy and I am happy that she has found happiness and someone who could deal with that which I could not. Read older posts for details. For 45 days after I broke off the engagement I dreamt of her. I still do occasionally, I wake up sad for the loss of a woman who so perfectly completed me. I see her at prayers and my heart sinks. I still don't think that one obstacle is surmountable for me but love doesn't leave on demand. It ain't FIOS, you know.
Tali turned me on to Stephen King. So in her honor, I shall quote from Lisey's Story about death but apply it to love-lost and it certainly rings true: "There was a lot they didn't tell you about death...and one of the biggies was how long it took the ones you loved most to die in your heart. It's a secret...and it should be because who would ever want to get close to another person if they knew how hard letting-go was? In your heart they only die a little at a time, don't they?"
It also troubles me that I am currently in a relationship with a young lady, Gila, in her twenties, no kids, loves mine, there is a lot of chemistry but still my dreams are of Tali. Still my heart skips a beat when I see Tali. What does that say for my relationship with Gila? Granted, this is a new relationship and the one with Tali was a long one but still...
The reality here is that there can be no repeating here either. Tali is in a serious relationship, I still have the one nagging issue (who knows if in a year or two it will be the same?), and if I was her friend I would advise against risking emotional trauma by once again making herself vulnerable to me. My Achilles heel is that logic rules out in the end, at the expense on my emotions.
For all you repeaters or repeater-wanna-be's, try not to get too caught up in the nostalgia of the past relationship or the yearning for its return. Listen to Lisey's wisdom: "But you have to remember that I've been living in the past, and that takes up a surprising amount of a person's time,..." For you and for me, the message is clear, it's time to move on, move past our mistakes, miscalculations, misjudgments, and keep the faith and live in the here and now.
If only I could have....